External Disk Failure.

Always got to be kicked when you're down.

Stretched myself to the limit last week to help other groups film their programs.
One tired weekend in which to finalise my Channel programs (and sort out my new backup disks).

3am this morning- BAM! all gone. 2 months worth of videos and 4-6 months of photos. Gone. Bye-bye.

I AM SO SAD RIGHT NOW.
Not only are ALL of my original videos (minus some of the Ariel footage) for college are gone- but so are all of my original memories from 2012. Basically anything that's on my blog/facebook/vimeo I've still got- but I had stacks of stuff lined up waiting to be edited and blogged about.

I don't know how my assessment is going to go now. I mean- what am I supposed to put in my 'sketchbook' pdf now? At least I had my final version of Tie and Dye with Kim. But all of the sam and jack footage is gone bar one 4min clip.

Besides loosing everything- I'm completely bummed out because even when I go out of my way to produce work- like, tire my self out and actually do more than my body will allow- I get slapped in the face by things I can't control (or could prevent if I wasn't so ill). And it's not like me to just not have another copy, I was busy swapping over my files from smaller harddrives to a much bigger one. And then  I was going to make a second copy- but I never got that far.

I haven't slept in a day and half so I better go do that.

Hopefully I'll have enough to show and feel more like it's a fresh new start (instead of a sinking hole of sadness and lost memories).

PoPS!

POPS!
Platoon of Power Squadron! Awesome youtube series. This is how it's done, people! In this little update of behind the scenes- he talks about getting organised to film another episode. Way to be a really great producer, dude!!! Almost makes me want to do this channel thing all over again. Almost.


Watch the show here: http://www.youtube.com/user/pineappleboyfilms?feature=watch

oh. and they need some fan art for episode 7.. I'm seriously considering it! haha. Who doesn't want to draw Wheezy Waiter being Mister Doctor Electricon? haha.

Keek.

Keek is like twitter, but for 36 second video updates. I'm kind of new to it- and mostly use it like twitter, for my blog followers and online friends. I keep it casual and silly. I sort of started using it as a challenge to myself to get used to being in front of the camera.

The keek in which I mention editing videos and having trouble compressing HD.
The keek in which I mention doing some dying. I had a friend come round and help me film some of the process shots. You can see my hair and wardrobe is ready for filming.

hey

I'm not good at posting on here.

Trying to focus on two main things this holiday:
1. Getting my goodsie shop running/being a good ArtEqualsHappy blogger.
2. VIDEO!!!!

number 2 means:
-make lots of videos with my new camera.
-start mastering vlogs. watch lots of good vlogs. get comfortable in front of the camera. try different setups.
-so that you can be a good 'host' for the craftshow you are making for channel.

I feel lost in the big project that is channel. I end up make'uh the video by myself. (my fault. i'm not built for group work.)

Fact + Fiction. Studio. Exhibition,

I was going to post this on artequalshappy but it got wordy and long. putting it here as a document.

Hello! It's been assessment time around the Camberwell Illustration department. 1st years had thiers, we just finished ours and the 3rd years were looking pretty stressed today labeling all thier work. It's customary for the 2nd years to put on a little show around this time, celebrating the work we've all be doing over the last Unit.

We've done three main projects called, Fact, Fiction and Publish where our main goal has been to really progress in our personal development. As you can probably guess, one of the projects is based on something factual, and another something fictional and the third is all about ways and means of publishing the work. Basicaly. Kind of.

There is a huge range of work up- and it was definately a challenge organising and sorting all the work so that the exhibition flows nicely. We put together a nice (small!) team of self-motiviated individuals to sort out the hanging on the show, and I've been heavily involved in it (obviously not standing on ladders. I'm dreadful with balance these days). The kind of opportunity to get together and be incredibly pedantic about placement and spacing is pretty rare & although you can't always please everyone- I think we did a great job for our first crack at it.

It's so good to have done this because that means that we will be just that much more prepared for our Final Show this year AND our 3rd Year Show! I can see good things ahead, people!!!

It's also been amazing to see my knitted pieces up alongside all the drawings and paintings and prints. Kind of put tears in my eyes. Ok. Maybe it didn't. But because I was trying to be cool. Actually- I'm not cool. The point is: This year has been a really rocky road for me and my work. After all of foundation and 1st year being 'beaten down', it finally started to rise up and grow again! I'm feeling like my work can stand up next to the rest- but that it's also different enough to be mine- and that it's come a long way. Obviously there is still way more to learn- the road is l o n g. But this is a good check-point. So, I guess I'm just checking in to say that the show looks amazing and EVERYONE has put in tons of hard work, and the quality/talent is amazing. Gosh, guys- I'm just so proud!

some thoughts. or worries.

weaving is okay.
knitting/spinning is still my favourite.

i messed up my crit the other week. just tired and hot and brain fogged. didn't feel prepared.
finding it hard to stay 'above water'. not just because of illness- but because of my 'point of view'.
am i crazy?
i have such a hard time with this.

drawing.

it is challenging for me.
that's why i picked it.

i could take photographs or sit and knit all day- no problem. i wanted something that wasn't going to be easy. i wanted to push myself. i wanted to be challenged. i wanted to challenge the subject.

i wonder if i was right to want all that.
i think so.
just sometimes i feels too hard.

"If it was easy, everyone would do it."

something else (beside drawing) of mine that could use improvement, is my articulation of what's in my mind. i think important things, but do not say them with the same weight. in fact, when things come out of my mouth they sound unimportant.

i need someone to tell me i'm not crazy and that i should keep going and what i'm doing is worthwhile- because i'm not so confident about that right now.
hopefully i will find that confidence again soon.

in the meantime- i suppose i really ought to practise my drawing skills. or get some drawing skills at least.

I saw some medieval tapestries and felt better. :: V&A Bluebeard.

So, I went to the V&A to see the Postmodernism show, with my group. I tried really really hard to understand and appreciate it- but generally I feel like the 80's were a mistake. So feeling very uninspired and like the whole world had everything upside down- I wandered around trying to find the Textiles room- to draw some beautiful handmade embroidery or brocades. I desperately needed some craft and wholesomeness and the honesty of workmanship to make everything feel sane again.
Unfortunately. The textiles room is gone. They are putting it into storage and we now have to make appointments to see it, once it's all fixed up again. Bummer.
But, I did stumble upon some magnificent stained and painted glass- with an endless supply of pattern upon pattern. (see above sketches) That lifted my spirits somewhat.
And then I found the Tapestries room. Oh! What a joy. A room with high ceilings and lots of empty space. Air Conditioned, cool and dark with benches all along the middle. I had found my new favourite spot.
The actual tapestries themselves are too big and too wonderful to put into words. They dwarf any sense of power or importance you have and humble you to the core. The amount of work gone into these astounds me. Fair enough, they were commissioned by some ridiculously rich guy who probably hoarded it in his castle of dreams. But I appreciate it. I feel like somehow, the makers of them should get a warm fuzzy feeling of worth when I look at them, even though they are probably just dust by now. To have something live on. oh. marvels of marvels.
I took watercolour paper with me and my handy little waterpen. I got so far (see above) and then was informed that it's dry materials only. gutted. but i understand. these are so old. so I continued with pencil. Kind of a fun surprise.Didn't stay for too long this time, but I'm sure I could lose whole days to that room.
I added some 'colour notes' when I got home.
Just the dose of inspiration I needed.
See you soon, Tapestry room,
Kimxo

These Monday lectures. :: lectures.

These Monday lectures are really giving me a lot to think about.
things that I knew already but never really considered to be a threatening problem.
Having the problems of our society pointed out so plainly.

All the books I've been reading/listening to about a fictitious dystopian society in the future. They all feel much more real and urgent.
Scares me a little.
Excites me a little.
Makes me feel like we (creatives) have the power to change it all, even in a small way.
I sort of feel speechless.
And yet there are a thousand things I want everyone to know.

Signs Of Revolt was really good today.
Also went to a Craftivists workshop on sunday which was great.
Non threatening messages for a better society.
Wake people up.

Change my personal daily goings on. Recognize of all the things I already do.

So much going on in my head right now.

Blog posts from the summer.

I haven't been posting here, because I've been working at Prick Your Finger, been on hoilday in South Africa, recovering from an illness setback AND been getting exciting things ready for my shop for Renegade.
Here are some relevant blog posts that probably should've gone on here as well as Art Equals Happy:

AUG.29. Old scrapbooks.
AUG.27. Making Swatches- process.
AUG.25. Featured Artist for Kara Haupt's Class: This&That. (see kara's nice words here.)

AUG.18. Some drawings from Byron project.

JULY: See all adventures from South Africa here.

JULY.19-27. Drawings from Spitalfields from 1st term.

JULY.18. Drawing to Music from 1st term.
JULY.11. Tour of my home studio (photos by Amy).

JULY.06. Renegade Application.

JULY.04. More Byron Sketchbook.

JUNE.27.Budapest sketchbook-drink labels.
JUNE.17. some of my photography up on Prick Your Finger. (more to come!)
JUNE.16. A sock's progress.
JUNE.07. Bedknobs and Broomsticks- films.
JUNE.05. the knitting designing process, some casual photos.

JUNE.03. The Drop Spindle.
MAY.16. Putting up final show things.
MAY.14. Jazz's zines in my shop.

MAY.11.Byron drawings.


It's a full time job keeping up a blog. phew. Excited for 2nd year. There will be few changes around here- just updating the sides and banner and things to give myself a fresh start. Regularly scheduled programming with resume shortly.

the full on evaluation

Evaluation- Unit 3/4
Kim Smith
May 2011

Group Work played a large role in the Author Project- especially when we were asked to create a Manifesto. I was extremely happy with the outcome of my costume, and was ready to incorporate it highly into the work itself- but after discussion with my group (who all thought the ideas behind the costumes-in general- were better than the objects themselves) we decided to go for a more abstract approach. During the first meetings, there was a lot of great discussion going on about what it should be like, and we threw around a number of different final outcome ideas. I was getting antsy to get on and make something- not just talk about it- so I encouraged our group to go with one theme, and draw layout ideas on paper I taped to the studio wall. This seemed to kick off a momentum of work, and we tried a great number of processes- even coming together one weekend to make potato print stickers. Once we got going, it was hard to stop- and we found that delegating specific (decided as a group) jobs worked to our advantage- i.e. Alice was in charge of laying the text out, and I put together the whole website. This helped people's strengths to come out, and allowed others to learn from them. From the beginning, we set up a blog and facebook group to help communicate with each other (there were several illnesses) and share the work we'd been doing. This proved very beneficial.

Since before the Christmas holidays, I've been experimenting with adding Knitting into my Illustrations. As this is a very 'slow but steady' process, it wasn't until we changed tutors, that I really had a good amount of Handknits to show. I'd been drawing on inspirations from my favourite Vintage Sci-Fi films and trips down to Brighton, finding patterns and designs that I could change and draw onto graph paper- which would translate into knitting. I've also been broadening my skills, by learning to knit socks, do colour-work, and even spinning wool. I was growing in confidence- but still shy about my bag full of swatches. After an encouraging tutorial with Geoff, I went to see the owners of Prick Your Finger (a shop in Bethnal Green), and they were very excited by my out-of-college work. I've been doing some Work Experience there, and it's been a real eye-opener. I feel very lucky to be involved there. At the moment, I've just finished translating one of my designs into a knitted garment and I'm looking forward to exploring this more- trying to incorporate it into my illustrative work (Object or Image?). I've been documenting my collection of wool and other knitted-related inspirations on my blog. Also, frequent trips to the library to check out as many Kaffe Fasset and William Morris books as I could carry.

The Bio project started out very slow for me. I wasn't wholly captivated by my person, and it took some time before I really got going. I started my research by looking for what made him 'famous'- but all the scandal seemed overly talked about, and I wanted to uncover something a more unique about Lord Byron. I began with his childhood, researched into the schools he attended, and then found out about his numerous pets. Never really having drawn animals before, I set about practicing with several different mediums, crayon & pencil etc until I settled on watercolours. It seemed to give the most 'romantic' effect. Then I put together the story and worked out appropriate text to go along with it. As he was a poet- I wasn't sure how to best go about it, but found an old letter of his, and went with the 'romantic' cursive, interspersed with stanza-like print.

Overall I think my college-work research has been mostly from books, films and websites- where as my knitted research has recently been very 'hands on'. I'm aware. of course, it would be better for them to be more evenly spread- something which I'm working on- but is made difficult by my illness(CFS/M.E). Getting to Workshops and Galleries has been a problem for me this last term, as I usually need 2-3 days a week in bed. I've applied for some Disability Student Allowance, which, if successful, will allow me to work better from home and make it to 'outings' more often.


((I have to cut this down, nearly 200 words. HOW?))

Analogue vs Digital.

Someone posted a link to this article on twitter. It chats about young artists who are going back to older methods of technology to produce a slower, more 'real' sound/look/piece. Made me smile a lot. I support these kinds of adventures. I think that craftsmanship can be directly linked to the way in which an 'artist' goes about creating something. I also think that the older means of production allow the artist time and head space to really think deeper about the subject or life while he/she is creating it. For example, producing a print in a darkroom takes time, skill, patience, knowledge, the ability to stick with something for longer- and you get a beautiful print. Something that has been considered and loved and I think that warmth really shows through in the end result. Getting it printing off of a computer is too 'instant'. (but can also be great for mass production and a time saver)

I do, however, love technology. I think used in the 'right' ways it can be an incredible tool to aid your lifestyle/work. Not to mention a great platform for people to communicate with each other and to express opinions- like I am doing, right now, with this blog.

I was reading the comments of this Guardian article- and I saw a lot of 'haters' there. Saying that we are idiots for ignoring the digital processes available. Saying that it doesn't matter what you use to produce something. (come on. a process should be considered and used for appropriate reasons, whatever kind of process you end up with!) Even saying that the modern technologies outstripped the older ones because it does everything and more. Hmm.

Honestly- I think you need to have a happy balance. That goes for anything in life. And, I'm a somewhat expert at that- dealing with CFS teaches you to realize that too much of anything is bad for you. It applies directly to art as well. Spending all your time on the process will eliminate you from the chance to get involved in the online community- a really valuable resource waiting to be tapped in to. But if you work solely on computers (or what have you), you will also get sucked into what I call a 'screen coma' where you are really blind-sighted by the 'false reality'.

So, I say- Go and do stuff by hand, it really is magical. You will learn so much and feel way more connected to what you make. But also, learn this new technology! It can be a great tool to aid you in your quest.

(I don't like arguing points. I don't like debates and when people use mindless hurtful phrases to try and 'shock' people into believing 'their side'. I try and avoid these things. But I thought it was helpful to post my thoughts and opinions on this, as a 20 year old studying Illustration and very involved in Craftsmanship. This is what I think right now.)

blarggy blarghh balhh algTGARHAFDH

MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE.
TOO MUCH INSPIRATION
NO TIME/ENERGY.
alghuisdgyat4uat8h848hahffgiiiiiiiiiiii

so much wool.
drawings on grids.
image transfers.
art journals.
blogs.
vespa vespa vespa.
no essay please.
tireeeeddddd.
little tiny typewriter books.
plastic packets.
60 handdrawn postcard backs.
sore tummy.
harry potter and the...
hunger games.
too much pasta.
kitty cat cuddles.
nervous.
broke a tortoise shell knitting needle. it's fragile, ok.
bag full of swatches.
dreams of knitted things for renegade.
oh man, renegade.
spider on my wall. smacked it with a pan.
boo yah.
new medication to make me happy starts tomorrow.
mixed feelings about this.
purple yarn for socks for birthday girls.
miss my grandparents.
flickr needs updating.
book reviews!
no essay please.
website to stop ignoring.
website for friend to make.
skeins to dye.
plants to grow to make dye with.
group 'presentations' that are long and hurt my legs
but helpful.
so many different opinions.
photographs to edit.
thinking about times when i used to do a million things.
now i sleep a lot.
i really want to be better.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
kabooooom

don't know where to start/stop.

WOOL ARCHIVE- EBAY 07. :: KNITTING

These don't really need a before and after picture, as they are cones. [: These were actually two lots, but from the same lady. Some of this wool is incredibly soft, and surprisingly I think they might be 100% Acryllic... but I'm not sure as the labels on the insides of the cones don't say- they just give me a 'dye lot' number. It's always a treat to get a variegated cone in a lot, as they are generally more expensive. (just FYI... buying a cone like this new, they go for anywhere between £8 and £16 each. I've been getting them for less than £2 each. It's hard to pass that up! These worked out to about £1 each (shipping included!). Recycle, Reuse, Restyle, SAVE.)
p.s. I need to take an after picture of lot 6.
p.p.s. I've stopped actually buying more wool on ebay now (I gave myself a budget). haha. Just documenting them as they come in. [:
p.p.s. If the light is good tomorrow, I'll take some photos of the colour organizing I've been doing and my swatches.
p.p.p.s. Can't remember if I said this, but the reason I'm collecting all these different types/colours of wool is not only to learn about how they work/knit/come but to build up a big colour library so I can successfully make big (what I'm calling) 'knitted illustrations' or at least get better at Colour Knitting- and using my own designs. As Kaffe Fasset says: "When in doubt- add another twenty colours!"

image sequence problem... fixed?

No way, did I figure it out, like 10 min after I posted that last post. I think this was the problem. It should be set to 'CURRENT'

I'm still fiddling about but here's what i've got so far:

GOOD QUALITY EXPORT

Export as...

Export - Movie to MPEG-4 (options....)

File Format: MP4

Video Format: H.264

Data Rate: 2400 kbits/sec   Optimized for: Download

Image Size: 1280x730 HD

PRESERVE ASTECT RATIO (YES) ---- Crop

Frame Rate: Current

Key Frame: Every: 25 Frames

image sequence problems.

I've done image squences and movies before, all kinds- and I've always had a bit of a problem with exporting quality. I've read the vimeo guidelines and it works pretty well, but it's still not sharp sharp like my images.

It does this weird blurry pixel thing as soon as I tell it to move. Which it shouldn't.
Frustration!
I've been trying all kinds of different settings, on a simple sequence (editing budapest things!) as seen above.

I want to be able to pop them into final cut and adjust the colours as a movie and still keep the quality. If I can't figure it out, I'm going to book a one-to-one in the digital media place. I just feel like there is a box i'm checking somewhere or... ugh.
literally, how many image sequences have i made in my life- too many. is it that much to ask to get them to be nice and clear?

-rant over-

Author Project!

Hello! I've been a bit quiet- been a bit tired and fighting that feeling of losing 'myself' again now that we've started back at college. It's really amazing being around such talented natural illustrators but it makes me feel a little sad too. I don't know- maybe it's just the fact that I don't draw as much or as easily as they do. Maybe it's that I'm more of a natural crafter? Maybe it's just that I get nervous drawing/making in public and my nervousness clouds my thinking which is annoying. Maybe it's just that I've got lower energy levels and my friends on this course are motivated and actually use their time productively? It's actually really inspiring. But I guess I just hate feeling left behind. I don't know if that's the right way to say it- I just don't like having to sit at home on a day like today (getting work done) but not having the energy to actually go into college or stand up for more than 5 min. It's a bit of a downer.

BUT good things areeeee that I have a pretty good idea of what I'm doing for this project. Wooooo! AND Jazz, Dave and I did some tie-dying yesterday! It's been on my list of things to try for years and years! Super silliously addicted now. Just bought some dye off ebay and plan on basically tie-dying my entire life (ok, that's an exaggeration). haha. But it's really awesome. Pictures of what we did when they are dry!

I thought about making this post, a VLog- talking about the project as if I was presenting my ideas to the class (in the Workshop on Tues I found it incredibly helpful to hear what other people's ideas were, and just talking through it seemed to solidify ideas)- BUT then I couldn't sleep last night and ended up sketching out all that I wanted to say- so I'll just show you that instead. [:




(p.s. i'm sorry about the really shoody pictures. just quick and easy today)

I realize it probably makes little to no sense because I haven't explained my original idea- that will come. I kind of just want to get on and start making!!!

The chalkboard animation.

Tomorrow is the deadline for our project which is an extension of the Chair project. Yesterday, out of desperation, I decided to go ahead and just see what would happen if I did the chalkboard animation. I needed something that I was confident with (I chose text, of course) and that I knew I could do in a couple of hours. Even so- with my health being all shaky, I had to go and lie down several times while doing this. It's just a bit ridiculous that I can't even stand up and draw on my chalkboard for more than 20 min. But- I did it. It was slow and painful, but I did it. (I'm not complaining- it's just important, i think, to document what happened.) Here are some images of each 'title':





There are several negative things I could say about it, BUT focusing on the positives here they are:

-a lot of thinking about 'atmosphere' meant that I wanted to include a little bit of my house or 'the space' in which i drew this. I decided to draw straight onto the cupboards, instead of having to paint new boards which wouldn't have saved me time or energy.
-one colour of chalk to keep it simple and to keep the pops of colour to the background- focusing your eyes on the drawings as the colour pieces would be out of focus and keep it from being coming boring.
-used my new lense which has an f-stop of 1.8 so that the focus could be very precise and i could do it in natural lighting.
-the actual text translated great onto chalkboard.
-thought of little transitions which would flow one into the next.
-drew the ingredients separately so i could borrow a slightly cheesy technique of overlay from some of the Elvis videos i've been watching.
-thought about black and white, but decided that the actual chalkboard looked much better when it was the only thing in black and white (see previous point about colour).

Overall, I think it looks good- it looks like it's just magically appearing on the board, like a fun interactive menu (showing you what's on offer and what's in it, and changing like flicking a channel). Plus I chose a song which is an 'oldie' and doesn't distract too much from what's going on.

When Vimeo decides to accept my video, I'll post it. [:

p.s. i think i will still produce the recipe cards with drawings of the musicians on the back (just digital prints)- as a supplement to this. maybe i should make a youtube playlist too, of my favourites- so in theory:
you watch the animation, you get inspired, you read how to make them and you listen to the songs while you enjoy a drink with your friends.
does that have a narrative? it's more of a 'make your own narrative'.

getting it done.

Slowly and on time, I am getting through this list of deadlines.I also got my personal deadline done, which I'm quite proud of! Check out the new blog design of my personal/business blog!

overcoming problems...

After my last post, several things happened.
1. We had a review in class, and I thought for a moment that I might end up doing some crazy fan-like big knitted elvis and buddy holly and chuck berry panels. then i spoke to rob after and he was pushing me to go for the chalkboard animation idea. i was almost crying- not because of what people were saying but because of this internal struggle and knowing that i can't physically do what i need/want to do. I've never been so unsure about my work so close to several deadlines. The stress was really getting to me. To remedy this, I tried to give my brain a break and bought a few new records and hung out with some people. But was still left with a horrible feeling.
2. I went to the long awaited launch of Wednesday Knitting 2 which was a great success. I've been helping Jackie out with things and have started to be a regular contributor on the blog. [: Got home and slept for nearly a whole day and woke up the worst leg pain ever. (Also found out that Renegade is coming to London! and I want to be a vendor there more than anything right now, but doesn't help my current jam at all.)
3. After not knowing what to do and needing a lot of help in my flat, Mum came down a day earlier than planned and stayed the night- helping me to get some things done. Just having her around as a kind of buffer has helped me at least get a couple of things checked off my list. I managed to finish a sketchbook and do a photoshoot, which felt impossible before she arrived. She comes back tomorrow to help me get past the next few deadlines. I hate it when it feels like I have to 'give in' to my illness. But, I suppose I just need to do it however I can.

I have made a list of the things that I need to do within the next few weeks. It's messy and that's what my head feels like right now. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.

here are some scans of my notebook from the last week or so. (I bet you never thought my handwriting could be that bad. me neither.)




4. I finished the first thing on my list and felt like I'd actually achieved something and was quite satisfied with the result. I will post about this with pictures later.

I hate feeling behind and gross and not good enough! I know these are thoughts that we all have at some point or another. I guess there are just too many things happening at once for me to deal with right now. I don't deal with failure well. In my eyes, if it's not the best it can be- it's not worth doing. I've always aimed for the highest mark, the most work etc. Really pains me to think that I might have to 'just pass' or even possibly fail. Might not be a big deal to a lot of people, but it is to me. Always has been.

p.s. I am fully aware that I sound like a crazy person, I just need to take it one step at a time and writing it down helps.

thoughts about knitting and drawing and being frustrated.

More of this please! More of these patterns and ideas from real life and being inspired to create images/patterns with fabrics and yarns. More cool guys who have been knitting since the 60's. More exciting different things. More experience with knitting. More more more moreeee.

What can I get away with? Can I take photographs and turn them into knitted pieces? Do I have to draw? Will drawing enable my knitting, or visa versa? Can I be that weird girl in the class who doesn't like to use pens? Can I play with printing from knits. Can I play with combinations? How about designs made with paper and then remade with wool? Text! Working with a grid. Graph paper! How many different letterforms can I make with a grid? Use lightbox to trace designs onto grids to make into knitting. Swatches! Interpret videos, photos, life, people, places, sounds into patterns! DYE MY OWN WOOL! Go and learn about what the heck 'spinning' is! How do they get it from the sheep to my needles? Share my collection of supplies (photograph them!) so far and each new addition! READ more knitting books! Go to a knitting club twice a month! Keep knitting on the bus, in bed, at lunchtimes!

"Those of you who feel knitting has changed your life,

welcome to the club. I can think of no better

occupation to reveal your own creativity" - Kaffe Fassett

(this is a braindump. I needed to write it all out to get it out of my head- please see below for summarized and less crazy version!)
The closer it comes to going back to the studio- the more I want to stay at home and knit. The more I want to NOT draw. The more I want to arrange and re-arrange colour combinations. The more frustrated I get with WHY we do things? I've always said that I love craft and that it helps me, as a kind of therapy, get through daily life (with all my health struggles, sometimes I can't get out of bed... etc). But I've always said that as a communicator I need to make things that MAKE SENSE with the project or 'brief' I've been given. I've always said that a piece of art/design is always better when every piece of it is CONSIDERED and APPROPRIATE. I will sew if the project is somehow related to that. I will do screen printing if it best fits what needs to be done. I will do collage if that's the visual language that makes sense. etc etc And that's what I've been sticking to so far. I've been trying to stretch myself to the situations that arise and there's a lot of merit in that, and I think that's GOOD.
But I'm feeling lost and unhappy with the things I am making. I'm not naturally talented at drawing a detailed building or realistic portrait of someone. I am tired of using pens. I am exhausted of seeing the same materials over and over again. I DON'T WANT TO USE SOMETHING JUST BECAUSE IT'S EASIER OR QUICKER. That was good, that was fine, that taught me that I'm much happier using watercolours or ink or other awkward methods of drawing like knitting!


Basically, I think pens and pencils and markers and everything are great if that's what you like. And I think they are valuable tools- but for me, I'm just not happy with what I produce from them, and I've noticed that my patience is dwindling (and that is saying a lot. I am a very patient person!) so it gets messier and grosser and I get all worked up because I feel like I am wasting my time (and that is the worst thing for me, because my time is so valuable. it's a big downward spiral) and I'm not producing enough work.


Another little part of me is saying that maybe I don't have a distinct enough way of drawing yet- how can I be thinking of translating anything into knitting. This is a valid point. If you asked me to draw some garlic for you, I wouldn't know HOW to do it. I could do it in a lot of different ways but I wouldn't know what 'my way' is. But this is a struggle that I fight all the time. At least with knitting I kind of feel like I 'know' what to do. It is possible that I am over thinking all of this- I tend to do that. 


So I'm sitting here thinking about all this (plus some) and I realize that all I want to do is make up my own patterns for knitting. I want to draw out some designs, knit them up, see what happens. I don't want to be this frustrated anymore with what I 'can and can't' do or 'should and shouldn't' do. I wanted to do this course to see how I can integrate what I love doing into 'Illustration'. I feel like that heading might be stifling me, blindsighting me into thinking that I have to 'draw' in the traditional sense. I'm sick of it! When I sit down to do a task now, I am not thinking about what it could be- I am bombarded with images in my head of how I could do it, i.e 20 different 'styles' I could do it in. I think that's wrong! I think that when I sit down to draw something it should be a clear-headed process. I should be purely inspired by the visual material at hand- not what I've seen before. Over the years I've allowed myself to try out new things and overall I think that's positive- but I want to get away from feeling like I need to do what everybody else is doing (because when I think like that, I feel flat and uninspired and my work reflects that). 


So this is a lot of words and almost constitutes as a 'rant', but I'm going to post it because this blog is for all of my thoughts and successes and failures and all the rest of it that makes up a journey. I just don't know how I'm going to do this. As I was saying earlier- I think I can use drawing as tool to help me get to where I want to go- help me brainstorm and think things out in a quick and convenient way, help me design and plan and experiment with shapes. But I hope I can stay a bit more true to 'myself' and my goals this term and actually produce something that I'm happy with.


p.s. I want a happy balance between drawing and craft. I love drawing, don't get my wrong. I just feel like I've had to be all secretive with my knitting and it wears me down when the things that make me really truly happy(or comforted, I don't know what the right word is) get neglected. And I know from experience that work that is truly inspired and loved and that I've enjoyed making looks and feels better and will communicate something clearer to the audience. The last thing I want to be is selfish, but through the course of being ill, I've learnt that unless my mind and mood are working at positive level, I can't function and therefore can't produce work at all (because my body is so demanding that I can't deal with something else going wrong). 

BOTTOM LINES:
-INTEGRATE KNITTING/CRAFT INTO MY WORK MORE.
-FIND A WAY TO BE HAPPY ABOUT USING MATERIALS & STILL HAVE IT BE APPROPRIATE.
-HAPPY BALANCE BETWEEN DRAWING AND CRAFT= SUPERILLUSTRATION!
-TRY NOT TO SELF-DESTRUCT!

I have ideas/some plans to help myself make this work:
1. Use marker pens/coloured pencils/crayons/watercolours as a way to 'get my idea down' on paper.
2. Try working on graph paper and also try converting some designs onto grids.
3. Bring materials to 'plan' into college with me, make swatches at home and then travel with all the knitting stuff. (thoughts about the practicalities of it) Basically don't try to bring in thousands of balls of wool everyday- keep that at home!
4. Experiment different ways of photographing knitted pieces so they can be reproduced in zines/posters/online etc.
5. Look at people who have devoted their lives to craft/knitting.
6. If I can't justify it in my head, talk about it with friends/tutors.
7. Think about NOT knitting garments. Is there a point to making an amazing landscape jumper? Maybe, but would it be better to just have it be a panel? How do I display that IRL?

OK I think that's enough for now.
If I have enough time/energy I will be back with photographs of my knitting experiments from the last few months. New things I've tried and skills I've learnt. Some of them are basic like 'I've never knitted with two coloured in the same row before, let's try it!' or 'I've never knitted a sock before- let's do it!' kind of things.

hope I didn't scare you off.