overcoming problems...

After my last post, several things happened.
1. We had a review in class, and I thought for a moment that I might end up doing some crazy fan-like big knitted elvis and buddy holly and chuck berry panels. then i spoke to rob after and he was pushing me to go for the chalkboard animation idea. i was almost crying- not because of what people were saying but because of this internal struggle and knowing that i can't physically do what i need/want to do. I've never been so unsure about my work so close to several deadlines. The stress was really getting to me. To remedy this, I tried to give my brain a break and bought a few new records and hung out with some people. But was still left with a horrible feeling.
2. I went to the long awaited launch of Wednesday Knitting 2 which was a great success. I've been helping Jackie out with things and have started to be a regular contributor on the blog. [: Got home and slept for nearly a whole day and woke up the worst leg pain ever. (Also found out that Renegade is coming to London! and I want to be a vendor there more than anything right now, but doesn't help my current jam at all.)
3. After not knowing what to do and needing a lot of help in my flat, Mum came down a day earlier than planned and stayed the night- helping me to get some things done. Just having her around as a kind of buffer has helped me at least get a couple of things checked off my list. I managed to finish a sketchbook and do a photoshoot, which felt impossible before she arrived. She comes back tomorrow to help me get past the next few deadlines. I hate it when it feels like I have to 'give in' to my illness. But, I suppose I just need to do it however I can.

I have made a list of the things that I need to do within the next few weeks. It's messy and that's what my head feels like right now. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.

here are some scans of my notebook from the last week or so. (I bet you never thought my handwriting could be that bad. me neither.)




4. I finished the first thing on my list and felt like I'd actually achieved something and was quite satisfied with the result. I will post about this with pictures later.

I hate feeling behind and gross and not good enough! I know these are thoughts that we all have at some point or another. I guess there are just too many things happening at once for me to deal with right now. I don't deal with failure well. In my eyes, if it's not the best it can be- it's not worth doing. I've always aimed for the highest mark, the most work etc. Really pains me to think that I might have to 'just pass' or even possibly fail. Might not be a big deal to a lot of people, but it is to me. Always has been.

p.s. I am fully aware that I sound like a crazy person, I just need to take it one step at a time and writing it down helps.